Scribbles Galore

The last three weeks have been a mix of so many feelings for me.

Three weeks back, it was the trip to Negombo where my mates and I had a fabulous time.

Then the following Saturday, I met up with more or less the same crowd at a pub and the situation with my best friend was not too great. Which made the night not all that fabulous and it was driving me crazy. In fact the whole night sucked! But the next day we managed to sort issues out and things are relatively back to normal.

This weekend, I met the same lot… for the third week in a row, as we had a dinner at home and I invited them over and I had such a super time. My best friend and I were fine…

The next day, Sunday, he along with a few others came over to my place for lunch and it was so nostalgic. We had such a good time. It was as though nothing had changed. It was amazing

Going back to the second Saturday, it was one of the worst days I had been through in a long time. After eight months of torture within myself, I finally broke down and I broke down hard. I never knew that this thing with my best buddy and me had affected me so much. I never realized that I felt so strongly towards him and even now, I am so confused as to what I am actually feeling towards him.

Yes, we were very close and now we are not the same but the realization of all that, hit me only eight months down the line! Which was quite a shock for my system. I had two of my girlfriends with me in the bathroom of the pub! Three girls in a toilet cubicle! Imagine that!

Anyway, they managed to talk to me and calm me down. I was still so tired after the whole episode and I just wanted it all to end.

That was when I decided to talk to him and just sort everything out. My friends told me to just leave him and let it go. But I knew that we had to talk it out. Something inside me was telling me, that I had to talk to him. And we did. And it helped. I feel so much better now that things are pretty much in the open and relatively back to normal.

The last weekend was so great. We met on Saturday and Sunday. It was just like old times. And hanging out at home with him and all my friends was just so nostalgic.

It was in a sense, bitter - sweet. Bitter because I kept thinking of the good times and how things went bad between us. Sweet because, it was as thought things were normal again.

But still things are not totally normal. He himself told me so. He said that only time will tell if we can get back to the way we were but that the situation is fine now. I am glad we spoke and got that out of the way, coz it was driving me crazy for EIGHT whole months.

We have to pretty much start over again and it is not easy coz one mistake and ‘we’ will be part of history! It is like standing on shaky ground!

Building up a strained friendship again from pretty much, scratch, is no easy task. But we both want to make it work and be normal again.

The thing is, how long will it take? How often do we get second chances in life? Am I lucky that I have a second chance with him?

Should I be glad that we have the second chance to get back on track? What will this second chance hold for a strained friendship?

I am on such a high today! These ‘high’ days are not very common in my rather uneventful life… but this certainly tops the list of ‘highs’ for me.

My day started rather lazily, at around 8am. I was woken up, rather abruptly, by my mother, at around 7.45am, as I had put the washing powder in the wrong compartment of the washing machine… I will leave that to explain for some other time. So she gave me a lecture on washing my clothes but it was more like a dream!!! Ha ha… After all, what on earth goes into your head when you are woken up from your sleep???

Well, I had around 15 minutes for my alarm to ring so I went back to a light snooze and then the alarm rang. I had a quick shower, took a snack and walked to the Learners to meet my instructor and get the necessary details for the test.

We were then sent in a van to Werahera and rushed straight to the hall where the written test was to be conducted. I have no idea how long I took but I think I took around a half hour to read the paper and answer the questions. I was a bit nervous coz this smart ass didn’t really go through the “Highway Code” booklet with a lot of enthusiasm the previous night. Oh! Well! I had my fingers crossed!

I had applied on the ‘priority’ basis, what ever that means… which meant both the written and practical tests were to be on one day.

So I had around a three-hour wait, till the practical test. It was NOT fun!!!

I made a friend, so it was not all bad. She and I talked quite a bit so I didn’t really feel the time passing.

The instructor from the driving school, from where I applied for the license, wanted to take us on a round just to practice before the test and the practice session went off pretty well. But I was still a bit worried. After all, you never really know till you actually pass right?

Anyway, around 1.30pm we got the results for the practical test and I had passed! My name was one of the last to be called out so I was really worried coz I thought that I had messed up somewhere! It was all good in the end… so the wait was not too bad.

We were then told to go to the place where they announce your name and let you know who your examiner will be. We were told by the school to not respond if the “Big made, dark, scary looking guy, in glasses and a long sleeved shirt” calls us! With that in mind, we sat in the hall and waited patiently for our name to be called out and keeping our fingers crossed that we will not get the ‘bad examiner’!

My name was called, not using my first name of course… but using my second name and my surname!! Hahaha… And it was called by one of the ‘good examiners’! So I got up and walked towards him, he asked me where I live and what my full name is. That was that.

I was told to go to the van and wait. I did not feel the time passing coz my work mate gave me buzz to boost my confidence! And then in almost no time, it was time for the ‘trial’. I was the first out of the group to go for the trial and my two friends (who I made while in Werahera) wished me luck and I was off for the test.

We had to follow a line of learner cars/vans to get to the examining point. I was then asked by the guy from the driving school to get into the front seat for the ‘trial’.

I had to drive a bit till I got to the point where the examiner got into my vehicle.

He was a calm and cool guy. We talked all through the trial. I got through the driving part and also the reversing part, without too much of problem. Then we drove a bit more and I he wanted me to stop on the left side. So I slowed down, turned and stopped! But I forgot to switch on the left signal light! The examiner then asked me if he should pass me or fail me, and I said he should pass me! And he did, telling me that it was only a minor setback.

He handed me my temporary license and I was all smiles afterwards. But the irony all ironies… I had to take the bus home… hehehe…

So, that was how yours truly came to be recognized by the Department of Motor Traffic as a Licensed Driver!

Thus, making this day go into the ‘highs’ list of days!

April 27, 2005… doubt I will forget this date for a long time!!!

It is amazing, this thing called life, I tell you! It is amazing how one day you are so upset about something and you feel as though the whole world has just come crashing down on you and just a few days later you feel as though you don’t want anything more in your life coz the little world you live in, is well… perfect!

Yes, I have heard many many many times that you go through a good patch and you go through a bad patch and that that is just the way life is. Nothing is ever one sided, the scale has to balance off.

I had been keeping in a few issues and not really sharing them, with my best girl friend. Somehow, when something bothers me, I just keep my mouth shut and one fine day, all everything will accumulate and something will trigger it off, and I will just blow up for no reason at all. This was pretty much what happened but I didn’t really blow up, instead I ignored my best buddy, coz I just did not feel like talking to her at the time! Yes, it was bad of me as a best friend to have done that, but that was just me… I was just not in the mood to talk about issues.

The next day though, I gathered all my thoughts and decided it was time to let everything, or at least most of the issues out and discuss them and try to sort them out as much as possible.

So I called her and we managed to get quite a few issues out of the way. We still have not got back to where we were but we do keep in touch, occasionally thanks of course to text messaging! We have still not got back to having our daily chats on the phone.

Without really discussing it, we have sort of created some space between us. I am hoping this is for the best and once we have sorted our issues, on our own, I hope that we can get back to what we were before things got sour.

It would be such a waste after all, to throw away a friendship, which has lasted a good seven years!

That was one issue but it did not go on for long coz we managed to talk things out. Well, like I said earlier, since the scale has to balance off… issues with my other best buddy were brewing up again. With the whole, “I don’t want you depending on me” scenario, I was quite annoyed with him.

We in fact, had a huge argument eight months ago and never really discussed things. We totally lost touch and I lost all hope of ever being friends with him again. Didn’t expect a thing from him. Not even for him to wish me on my birthday… but he did! I was in shock for a good three hours at least! This was in January of this year and since then we managed to keep in touch. But things never really seemed the same.

On February 10, this year, it was a year since we met and got really close. Yes! It was the day of the Bryan Adams concert. We actually got to talking that day and our friendship grew from that day on. Gosh! The months to follow were some of the most amazing of my life and I am still to come across having such bliss.

Somehow down the line things just got heated up and we drifted. But this year on February 10, I took it upon myself to try and get his point of view on this day and in a way, to my surprise, he had not forgot either. Man! It is amazing how much can happen in a year between friends. He admitted to it too.

We kept in touch but not too often. The distance was not too bad but I was feeling a bit lost, as I did not really know what was going on.

Had we forgot and moved on? Had we patched things up unknowingly? Or were we starting afresh?

I had NO clue!

Then the whole dependence thing happened and I was so mad with him coz I felt as though our friendship was in limbo. I am not good with these limbo phases in my life. So I wanted to show him what I was made of… or in this case, what I was not made up of!

So the next time we met I was a total and complete bitch towards him. I didn’t bother talking to him or saying ‘bye’ when we left. I think he was as much in shock as I was of my behaviour! He must have been thinking, “what the fuck is wrong with her?” and knowing him, him being the so not bothered person he is, he would have known that this was not me and that I would get over my bitchy attitude. Come to think of it, I think he would have thought it quite funny… (In fact, I learnt, when talking to him later that he thought I was being quite silly! He he he)

I knew that what I did was not really me. So I thought of talking things out and being adult about things.

So I called him the next day and to my surprise, he even answered the phone. The reason I was in shock was coz he didn’t bother answering when I called a few days before. He was a bit occupied so we were not able to talk.

But later that night, it may have been close upon 10pm, he text and then called me. And we had the longest chat in ages. I think it took a good two odd hours! The chat was so good coz we did not avoid issues, we talked them over and now I know that we are ok. We are not the same but he is convinced that time will sort us out for the best.

These are two of the closest people in the world to me, outside of my family, and I felt as though everything was crashing down on me when the relationships with my two best friends got so messed up. But it is amazing how facing the issues and then talking them out, can make a massive difference.

You have to be on the same page and you have to let those who you care for, know what is going on. You have to discuss things. It makes a world of a difference, as opposed to making up the solutions all alone, in your head.

Yes, you face ups and downs, but it is all a part of this path, which, I believe, is chosen for us, even before we are born.

The smartest is for us to learn from our mistakes and then face the issues we face. Half the battle is won then! Life is all about survival and we have to face the many issues (be them good or bad,) in our lives in order to survive!

Sometimes you think you have moved on and accepted the problems you have faced but then you realize that you have not really moved on, instead, you realize that you have simply put aside your problems and not dealt with them.

What sucks is when you don’t really realize this and one fine day, it hits you so hard and then you realize that you are back to where you were in the first place. At that point it seems as though the whole world is crashing down on you. Everything is just such a mess and you wonder why on earth you didn’t sort your issues out in the first place.

Why is it that we are afraid to accept that we have to deal with a problem and let go? We have to let go but why is it so hard?

Here I was thinking that I had finally come into proper terms with my so called best friend considering he told me that we were fine but the minute I turned to him for help and comfort, he froze and freaked! And then tells me that he does not want me depending on him!

Yes, hearing this came pretty much as a shock to me. Coz here I was thinking that ‘best friends’ are people you can turn to at any time. But I suppose with this friend, it is not the case.

I really want to sit down and talk to him and get everything out of him. Questions like… Why is it that he is so nice at one point and freaks at the next? Is it my fault that he is insecure with whatever the hell it is that we share? These questions keep lingering in my mind.

Due to many reasons, to this day I am so so confused as to what it is that we share. I thought that we were simply friends but from the way he reacts to certain things, I keep wondering if what we shared was only a friendship?

Friends manage to solve their issues because they deal with them. But in our case, we never discuss things, instead, we blow up and then that wound is left untreated. This is the biggest issue we have. We are never able to deal with the issues we are faced with.

We used to be able to talk to each other but things have changed so much.

Knowing that there is no hope of patching things up, why is it that I still cling to the hope that things will get better? I know damn well that it takes two hands to clap and in this friendship, only one hand is willing to clap. But still, I cling. I hope.

Does this have to do with men and women and that woman are more easy going with regard to their feelings and that men prefer to keep their feelings inside? What the hell is it?

I thought I had started afresh and moved on… but that was not the case… and a song comes into mind… Here we go again…. Which pretty much describes the confusion within…

A group of 18 friends, including me, went out of Colombo over the weekend. We stayed over for a night but didn’t even bother to sleep ‘coz we were having such a blast. It was so nice to be with such a fun loving group and be so carefree. I don’t remember having that much fun in a long time.

I was looking forward to this weekend for weeks because the last few weeks had been so hectic and tiring and I really wanted to relax with my friends. The weekend in the end, fell nothing short of fabulous! Apart of course from a few glitches here and there.

My girlfriends and I left Colombo late because I had to attend a wedding. So it was nearly 8pm when we got to the hotel. I was in saree and my friend who drove us to the hotel was in sarong… we looked like we had planned to dress up and arrive at the hotel!!!

There was quite a bit of planning involved with the trip because it was a friend’s birthday as well. His birthday aside, getting together a group of 18 is not an easy task!

Anyway, I decided to order cake and surprise him while we were having dinner. Getting 18 people to sit in one place, including the birthday boy was not easy. I had to keep telling him to sit down but he had no clue, thankfully, because the boy was quite drunk!

When most of the group had finished dinner I gave a sign to the Food and Beverage Manager to bring the cake in. They switched the lights off in the dining room and brought the cake in with sparklers and my friend didn’t even know what was going on! Then we all started singing “Happy Birthday!” It was then that he realized!! Crazy boy!!

As the cake was cut, he walked all the way around the table, saying “Organizer! Organizer!”, to where I was seated and fed me some cake and rubbed some icing on my face. I thought that was really sweet of him. No one has done that before for me. What usually happens is that we feed our parents when the cake is cut… so I was pretty darn touched!

After the whole cake cutting ceremony was done, we headed off to the beach where it was now time to have a few drinks. Those few hours were so much fun. We just talked and laughed and drank and took photographs and it was amazing!

We even went to the club at the hotel and danced for a good two hours at least. As if that was not enough, we then went to another club, out of the hotel, ‘Lords’. It was quite dull. When we got back to the hotel around half past four, some of the group was still awake.

We were having so much fun that we didn’t want to sleep and we didn’t. We were talking so… much that when we looked out onto the beach the sun was rising! The boys decided to jump into the pool and the girls and I decided to have a shower and get ready for breakfast. That too was a fun experience. It was as though we had our very own personal dining hall. It did not bother us in the least that there were so many people around. No one seemed to bother us either, I think it was because they all saw how much fun we were having.

Lunch too was fun and so was just sitting with these guys and doing nothing. Even packing up into the vehicles to get back home was fun because, we had two cars and 14 people! We were pretty much like sardines!

I think that when you are with people you enjoy being with, you really don’t have to do much to have fun. The presence of the people you care about, is what matters in the end.

I am so glad that I can be with people who have such a blast no matter where they are and no matter what they do.

So cheers to the weekend we had and cheers to many more weekends of the sort to come!